"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself"

"I take these pills to make me thin
I dye my hair, and cut my skin
I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that's not me
 

 Even when I'm walking on a wire
Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
 

 Here inside, my quiet hell
You cannot hear, my cries for help
I tried everything, to make them see me
But every one, sees what I can't be..."

 I feel so bad with myself, I hate myself so much... Why I can't be like the other? Why I can be just normal girl? Why I have to fight with my own body everyday? Why I have to Feel that way? Why my body hates Me? What did i don to him?

I don't know, how make myself strong enough to do this, I was do that before - I was strong, I was feel good, I wasn't scare to go to town with t-short and skinny leggins on me, I was enjoying going out, I like being on a pictures... And now? I hide in my house alone, I don't want see my fiends, don't want to go out, don't want to take pictures of me...

I feel so bad...and so alone...

 

I'm trying stick on liquid diet - today is my first day, I don't know do I can do that... I'm so ashamed of myself...

I lost 10 pound some time ago, and i gain those pound again... maybe more... I don't know... I don't want to know... I want see bones...

Fat fat fat...

:(

I feel like a pig!!!

Lol - today is my "fatty day". I'm eat like a pig - everything and a huge portions. Yes i should have a bad feeling about that, but i know tomorrow I'm gonna go to the gym and i will be work out hard as always, and after tomorrow and day after...

Because of my weakness i was thing to put down all of my guilty pleasure... 

  From now one, no more this things never again... End.

...

So...

Do I want this...

...or this...

Yes, I know what i Want...and I don't need food for that...No.

It's never easy...

Yes, it's not easy, sometime you feel so down, everything sound so not important, so empty...

I keep my diet - every morning oats, lunch :some fruits, salad, dinner: salad, eggs, couscous, pasta. I'm going to the gym almost every day, only the Sunday is my day off. 

I was "bad" for me yesterday and today. Yesterday, because i eat instant soup (lots of salt), and avocado - lol one avocado=260 kcal!!!! I was work very hard on the gym later, and after that i wasn't eat nothing... And today? I eat oats, later went for the gym, but i was fell lazy and don just about 30 min work out ... but girl... and now i have coffee and dried fruits!!! Lots of sugar, but i was so starving from them.. It's about 350 kcal in 100g... I eat a small cup...Bad, bad, bad!!! But OK, i don't want cry because of that. I don that so i have to deal with that... everyone have some kind of days like me...

I check my weight on Tuesday, I went from 132 pounds, to 123... i lost 10 pounds. It's good, i think so. Now gonna be harder, it's always like that. I know. I want lose another 10 pounds...hmmm... I wish be 110... I know i have to be honest with myself, i never gonna be under 100 pounds, I have muscle, and "heavy bones". But I'm gonna try.

...feel so guilty because of that fruits... I think i start be a bit obsessed...

  I'm not gonna Give Up:)